It’s all change at Sheffield Oaks for the new season with the introduction of new Head Coach Lee Tysoe, described by many as the South Yorkshire’s answer to Sir Clive Woodward. Oaks Undercover recently met up with Oaks’ new guru as he explained some of his more unorthodox coaching theory, the new dietary regime, and why you shouldn’t call him Dan.

 

 Tysoe begins by dismissing the Sir Clive tag, ‘The way I see it, I’m more like Emilio Estevez and the Oaks are my Mighty Ducks. I’ve got a bunch of lads from the wrong side of the tracks and hope that every Saturday they will try their hardest, and after it all we’ll all go to McD’s for a Happy Meal.’ This comment appears to be slightly misleading as Tysoe elaborates on the plan to bring in a nutritionist to sort out the dietary requirements of the team.

 ‘Sure, an after match takeaway is OK to wind down, but the rest of the time the players should treat their bodies with the upmost respect. Friday night beers will be replaced with complex nutritional shakes, and on Wednesday night I have passed on details to Chick explaining the individual meal plans for each player after training. It’s not just what they eat either, portion control will be imperative for some players to reach their optimum weight – Frets and Liam will be allowed to help themselves to as much ss they would normally have, but will then need to swap plates.’

 

 Liam features heavily in the plans to revolutionise the side for the next season, with several players expected to move to unfamiliar positions. ‘With the introduction of the ELVs we will need to change how we play a bit. I am asking players to meditate and bring up their inner strengths, Liam will be asked to play at prop, he punches well above his weight when on the pull in the Leadmill and we expect the same on the pitch.’

There are also some plans to reignite past glories. ‘Selly often tells us about his days as a sub 12 second 100 metre runner, and in a bid to rediscover that he will be moved to wing. If he believes he can do it he will.’

 

 The one subject that Tysoe was uncomfortable to broach was that he had employed a clone to play with him. ‘Well, I know it can be confusing to some of the older guys (and Stu) but I am in no way related to Dan. Surely they can’t all be confused by the similar hairstyle, Eyro and Selly have similar hair and no one confuses them. It had been suggested that we wear name badges to help out, but a much easier way to tell us apart is that we have different faces.’

 

 Meanwhile, new social coordinator Tom Ward has been asked to complement the coach holistic approach to wellness by organising some pre-season spa weekends. However unable to distinguish between this and Spar, Ward has arranged for Oaks to spend a day drinking special brew and eating scotch eggs.

Finally Lee was asked to sum up his aims for the season.

 ‘I just want us to play some good attractive rugby, win some games, and hopefully making a few friends along the way. Though if that doesn’t work we’ll just f**k ‘em up.’