Sheffield Oaks recently witnessed the debut of one of the most skillful, graceful, and athletic players ever to play in Yorkshire. Paul Crookes made a match winning contribution against Pontefract, yet we know very little of this enigmatic genius. Oaks Undercover has conducted some interviews and spent a hell of a lot of time searching through Google to find out.

 

Oaks' Mark Fretwell had this to say about the young genius, "Paul Crookes? He's a difference class, he reminds me of myself when I was younger. He seemed to be chasing his own kicks, sending out passes to himself, and I'm fairly sure he also tackled himself at one point - just to give the opponents a chance."

 

In his working life Crookes has also been an outstanding success. He has cured seventeen diseases, discovered 87 stars,  has broken 52 world records, swam across every ocean, and perhaps most impressively he walked through Moss Side unaccompanied. He has dated four Miss Worlds, and once impregnated a whole W.I. meeting just by waving at them.

 

Crookes never sleeps, and rumour has it he dropped off briefly in 1985 and punished himself by running across America, providing the inspiration for Tom Hanks’ Forrest Gump. Other characters influenced by Crookes include  Maximus Decimus Meridius, Flash Gordon, Indiana Jones, and the Gimp from Pulp Fiction.

 

It is believed that Crookes taught himself the basics of rugby in the womb, and by his second birthday was already knocking on the door of the England team. Unfortunately  no kits were available in his size, a problem that has haunted him to this day. Crookes appears regularly in the pages of Heat Magazine after liaisons with all five Spice Girls, and infamously he also taught Gordon Ramsay how to swear.

 

The pages of Google through up the following tidbits:

·         Paul Crookes is the reason why Wally is hiding.

·         Paul Crookes played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

·         When Paul Crookes does a press-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

·         Paul Crookes haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

·         The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Paul Crookes punched himself in the face.

·         Paul Crookes is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         Paul Crookes is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Paul Crookes

Remarkably, Paul Crookes shares his name with Oaks' veteran scrum-half Paul 'Bonzo' Crookes. Oaks Undercover tried to get a comment from Bonzo, but he was too busy shouting at a referee. Which was most unusual because he was in Morrison's at the time.